Church Bass Player Black Sabbath

Church Bassist Spontaneously Combust After Playing Black Sabbath Riff


Christian orthodox church musician tragically burst into flames in front of entire church staff as he warmed up with classic Black Sabbath riff.

Port Gibson, MS – Mere seconds after warming up to the soul-chilling riff that begins the 1970 Black Sabbath song “Hand Of Doom” at the Saint Symeon Orthodox Church this past Sunday morning, Bassist Larry “Vicious” Thompson spontaneously combusted into a raging fireball, traumatized witnesses confirmed.

Clergymen, Father Lemko Sandovich said there were no signs or warnings, Thompson showed up to band practice his usual 30 minutes late. He simply plugged in his bass to the amplifier and started tuning the instrument. He then began loosening up to what I’m told was “Hand Of Doom” and about 20 seconds in, he burst into flames right there on the stage.

Within seconds, the fire totally consumed Larry, leaving only a charred pile of ash where the bassist had stood just moments before.

“We had been warning him to start warming up with some ‘After Forever’ by Stryper instead,” musical director James Langley told reporters as a cleanup crew worked to remove Thompson’s remains. “He was always working some ‘War Pigs’ or ‘Children Of The Grave’ into his warm-up routine, and it gave us all a really bad feeling to be completely honest.”

“There’s a reason the Good Book only allows out churches to sing from the liturgical texts,” Langley added.

One week prior in nearby Alcorn, Mississippi, fire crews were called to extinguish another blaze that was started when a church guitarist attempted a lick from “Electric Funeral.”

Black Sabbath Hand Of Doom · Live
Black Sabbath - Hand of doomBlack Sabbath - Hand of doom


Black Sabbath · Hand Of Doom  · Lyrics

What you gonna do
Time’s caught up with you
Now you wait your turn
You know there’s no return

Change your empty rules
You join the other fools
Turn to something new
Now it’s killing you

First it was the bomb, Vietnam napalm
Disillusioning, you push the needle in
From life you escape, reality’s black drape
Colors in your mind, satisfy your time

Oh you, you know you must be blind
To do such things like this
To take the sweet that you don’t know
You’re giving Death a kiss
Poor little fool now

Your Mind is full of pleasure
Your body’s looking ill
To you it’s shallow leisure
So drop the acid pill
Don’t stop to think now

You’re having a good time baby
But that won’t last
Your mind’s all full of things
You’re living too fast
Go out, enjoy yourself
Don’t bottle it in
You need someone to help you
Stick the needle in, yeah

Now you know the scene
Your skin starts turning green
Your eyes no longer see life’s reality
Push the needle in
Face Death’s sickly grin
Holes are in your skin
Caused by deadly pin

Head starts spinning ’round
You Fall down to the ground
Feel your body heave
Death hand starts to weave

It’s too late to turn
You don’t want to learn
Price of life is high
Now you’re gonna die

* Based on the satirical parody originally posted on The Babylon Bee


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