Loveland, Ohio — Heavy metal fans from around the globe are flocking to a sleepy Cincinnati, Ohio suburb to catch a glimpse of a puddle of spilt oil bearing an alleged likeness to deceased Rainbow, Black Sabbath famed vocalist and solo heavy metal legend Ronnie James Dio.
Loveland is a city in Hamilton, Clermont, and Warren counties in the southwestern part of the U.S. state of Ohio. Considered part of the Greater Cincinnati area, Loveland is located near exit 52 off Interstate 275, about 15 miles northeast of the Cincinnati city limits.
“See, I was changing the oil on this ’69 Firebird, and of course my hands got all greasy,” mechanic Troy Ervin told reporters outside of Ervin’s Full Service Auto Repair. “The bottle of oil slipped out of my hand and poured out onto the drive. I was out of Oil-Dry to soak up the stain, so I just let it sit… and I tell you what, next day I look down, and I’ll be damned if that stain doesn’t look exactly like Dio.”
In what onlookers are describing as a “modern day miracle,” the six-inch long black stain is allegedly a spitting image of a young Ronnie James Dio. After Ervin altered the local press, Dio fanatics showed up in droves to worship and pay their tribute to the stain.
“It’s a sign,” Chicago metalhead Fred Michaels said, “after making up a bullshit excuse to my boss and driving the 5 hours just to see the mark”. “I mean, yeah — Dio said the magic that we’ll feel is worth a lifetime, and yeah he’s still speaking to me now. He’s telling us he’s in a better place now, but also that he never really left, and that we need to forever rock out with our cocks out!”
Since the discovery, thousands have lined Market Street in Loveland to pray to the marking, seek a blessing of their band, or to see if he remembers seeing them headbanging in the crown during the Black Sabbath Heaven & Hell Tour back in 1980. The local flower shop is reporting empty shelves as more and more metalheads seek to leave offerings to their savior.
“Whether it’s a sign or not, I don’t know,” Ervin admitted. “But it is bringing the metal community together in a way I haven’t seen since his passing in 2010. Just a few minutes ago, we broke into a spontaneous chorus of ‘Holy Diver.’ Now, you tell me if that isn’t a religious experience.”
While the site is currently free to the public, garage owner Troy Ervin is planning on opening a museum devoted to additional heavy metal artifacts — including a glass shard Troy found behind his shop in the shape of Dimebag Darrell, and a doll seemingly possessed by the ghost of Lemmy – Ian Fraser Kilmister.
Black Sabbath – Heaven And Hell (Live)
*Based On The Dan Kozuh Parody Originally Posted On: The Hard Times