KISS fans have something really spectacular to look forward to, they will soon be lining up in droves for a chance to smell the legendary fingers of Gene Simmons.
That’s right, Gene Simmons will soon let you get a whiff of his greatness for a mere fifty bucks.
KISS was first conceptualized to sell lunchboxes to little kids, and in the early 70’s, they in fact sold a shit-ton!
Over the decades, that drive to push out merchandise, in any form, has not dwindled one bit.
Gene Simmons, Bassist, Vocalist and marketing guru/chief snake oil salesman for KISS has announced that starting in 2020, fans will be given the opportunity to get up and personal with Gene’s “groupie gropers”.
It is rumored that Simmons has slept with nearly 5,000 fans, a rumor that he himself started.
The Gene Simmons Website gives more details of his ever so intimate meet and greet, “I will meet you at a designated area prior to the show. You and your guests will be escorted backstage to meet with me, Gene Simmons, in all my glory. There you can ask me anything as you smell my fingers! You’ll find me to be very down to earth, witty and most knowledgeable”.
Ronald Belcher of Oregon was the first KISS fan to pre-order his chance to smell Gene’s fingers. “It seems well worth the hefty price.” explained Belcher. “I have been a fan for more than forty years. I can’t wait to smell Gene’s fingers. I would have probably paid more, in fact, I would take out a second mortgage on my house if he were letting us smell his balls”.
Another KISS Superfan wrote that he plans on taking his time while smelling Simmons’ fingers, savoring every salty second. “I think I will start with the ring finger, work my way to the middle finger, then tease my way across the knuckles to that, hopefully, still stinky-pinky… Maybe he’ll let me suck his thumb a bit, I sure hope. This is going to be a life changing event!” – Chris Kablanski of Michigan
Pre-Order prices for the meet and greet start at $4500 and $50 for each additional finger sniffer session.
Got a minute? Have a listen to this crap: Gene Simmons: “The fans killed the record industry”
*Based on the satirical parody originally posted in Madhouse Magazine