Metallica

Churchgoers Oblivious To Pastors Metallica Based Sermons

DUNCANVILLE, TX— Alluding their apparent ignorance of anything having to do with the Los Angeles-based thrash metal band Metallica, pastor Thomas Lehning of Duncanville Baptist Church expressed his utter amazement earlier this week that no one in his entire congregation had caught on to the fact that for the past five months he had been jamming as many of the band’s lyrical references into his sermons as humanly possible.

“I started out subtle, with one sermon about moral superiority called ‘Holier Than Thou,’ and another one about grieving called ‘The God That Failed,’” Lehning explained to reporters. “Soon after that, I started getting more overt. A few weeks later, my sermons about addiction and habitual sin drew heavily from the Metallica song ‘Master of Puppets.’ When they failed to pick up on that, I decided to see just how far I could push it.”

The congregation, still enthusiastically unaware of the amount of Metallica-based content in the sermons they were hearing, responded favorably to religious leaders shift in preaching style. “Pastor Thomas’ lesson about combating sin in your life—‘Kill ‘Em All,’ I think it was called—I really needed to hear that,” said one member of the congregation who has been attending Duncanville Baptist Church for almost eight years. “And that other message, ‘Nothing Else Matters,’ about following Christ at all costs—inspiring.”

“I didn’t even think it was possible to preach three consecutive sermons on the unforgivable sin, but somehow he pulled it off,” the church member added, referring to Lehning’s trilogy of sermons called “The Unforgiven.”

But foremost in the minds of the congregation is last Sunday’s fervent sermon about the Exodus, which Lehning claims “consisted entirely of lyrics from the song ‘Creeping Death,’ and nothing more.”

“I was even able to get the congregation to rise and chant ‘Die! Die!’ when we got to that part of the song. I can’t seem to do any wrong here.”

At the time of this interview, Thomas was already busily preparing for next Sunday’s lesson, doubtlessly titled “Leper Messiah.”

Watch Below: Creeping Death by Metallica put to the movie The Ten Commandments from which the song was inspired.
Metallica - Creeping Death

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* Based on the satirical parody originally posted on The Babylon Bee

   
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