In a bold Alcatraz-style jailbreak, James Hetfield has escaped his maximum security rehab center with the aid of his fellow bandmates.
“As most of you probably know our brother James has been struggling with addiction on and off for many years. He has now unfortunately had to re-enter a treatment program to work on his recovery again.”
Allegedly, drummer Lars Ulrich smuggled tools into Duffy’s Napa Valley Rehab Facility & Winery.
Ulrich managed to sneak in drill bits, hack saw blades and a hand-cranked drill that had been packed into his bowels with a technique known in the underworld as “kiestering”. Lars “deposited” the tools into the toilet where James Hetfield had the nasty task of retrieving them.
The Metallica vocalist/guitarist James Hetfield then used the tools to drill a hole through the block concrete ceiling. Hetfield reached the facilities upper annex using his bed sheets. James then began hacking through high tensile steel bars and finally tunneling a hole to glorious freedom.
Lars Ulrich, Kirk Hammett and Robert Trujillo were awaiting Hetfield in the getaway car just outside the rehab center walls.
The tunnel apparently took 8 days to excavate. During that time James hid his handy work behind a life size Lady Gaga poster.
Metallica is now on the run in Northern California living off oranges, river water and Gummy Bears.
Ulrich released a statement on his Instagram stating…
“Our brother James is safe and sound, with us where he belongs. We as a band plan to bond and remain in wooded areas until the tour starts. We are in the process of healing James with wild berries and mango nectar.”
*Based on the satirical parody originally posted in Madhouse Magazine