Los Angeles, CA. – In a bold move, heavy metal band Metallica has chosen to adopt hologram technology in an attempt to replace a perfectly healthy Lars Ulrich.
Despite being given a clean bill of health by his family physician, the founding member of Metallica, Lars Ulrich may soon be replaced by a hologram for all future live performances according to sources closest to band management.
“We had a band meeting, and within the first 10 minutes it was agreed that it would be best to use a hologram instead of Lars tagging along on tour,” said Metallica lead guitarist Kirk Hammett. “It will be great to play the songs at their actual speed. We’ve always needed to play slower live so Lars could keep up.”
A representative of Metallica, who requested anonymity reported that Lars Ulrich did not take any of the news lightly.
“When James Hetfield called from rehab to tell Lars he was being replaced by a beam of light, Lars immediately claimed that he’s never felt better in his life,” said the source. “He took off his shirt, put James on speaker phone and started doing pushups. Lars was really winded after eight and started tearing up. I almost felt bad for for the guy.”
Chad Finnerty of Eyellusion, the Los Angeles company responsible for projecting and staging the Ronnie James Dio hologram, has been tasked with creating the hologram of Lars Ulrich.
“When Metallica approached us, we obviously had a lot of questions — the first being, ‘Do you want to the hologram to make mistakes on the riser throughout the live shows?’” said Finnerty. “The band assured me they did not. It’s going to be tough to create a hologram that actually plays the songs smoothly because there is no known footage of Lars Ulrich ever performing in-time live.”
“One thing Lars really seems to love is pointing directly at any camera covering him and pulling a dumb face. It might be impossible to work around that,” added Chad while watching 80’s archival footage.
Lars Ulrich FAIL┃RockStar FAIL
*This post is based on the satirical parody originally posted on The Hard Times