Washington, D.C — The Smithsonian Institute recently presented rock guitar legend Slash with the very rare opportunity to perform while wearing the actual top hat Abe Lincoln was wearing the night he was assassinated, multiple outraged sources have reported.
“It’s an absolute honor to be able to wear such an iconic piece of Americana, history was made in this top hat not once, but twice,” Slash said while adjusting his wiry-ass hair under the historic headgear. “I feel like I’m honoring one of the greatest American presidents with a 9-minute solo and everything is made better because the top hat is aesthetically pleasing as well. They told me it’s a good thing that I quit smoking because they didn’t want any extra holes burnt into it. I just felt like I was channeling Ole’ Honest Abe the entire time I was performing, though I had this weird urge to keep looking over my shoulder the entire time I was wearing it.”
John Batterson Stetson IV, the great, great grandson of famed American hatter John B. Stetson attended front row and center for the historic performance. It was said the heir to the Stetson Hat empire felt a little agitated about the decision to let Slash wear the assassinated president’s hat.
“I was given free Guns N’ Roses tickets and was a bit reluctant to go at first,” Stetson stated. “When they announced Slash was wearing the same hat Abe Lincoln was killed in, I felt even more uncomfortable than I was prior. I mean sure, they’re both recognized for wearing tall hats, but my God, a man was killed in that hat, but after seeing the thing in person I sort of get why he was shot. If you were sitting behind him at Ford’s Theater that fateful night you wouldn’t have been able to see shit. At the end of the day, I just wish they would have given it to someone with a better reputation than Slash, like English funk man Jamiroquai or something.”
Curator for the Smithsonian Institute Roger Fellows gave a little insight into the history of musicians using presidential artifacts during certain performances.
“Many are making a huge fuss over the Lincoln/Slash performance, but little do people know, this sort of thing happens quite often,” Fellows explained while stepping down from a tall bookshelf. “Very few people are aware that prior to DUI of Mötley Crüe frontman Vince Neil, he had been drinking bourbon straight from president Grant’s personal flask. Also, nobody knows that those are actually Eleanor Roosevelt’s prized handkerchiefs hanging off of Steven Tyler’s mic stand. The artifacts in the Smithsonian are fair game to anyone with enough and clout.”
At a press briefing, it was said Axl Rose had to cancel a show the next day after reportedly being stuck inside president Taft’s bathtub for the third time.