Tony Iommi Parody

Tony Iommi Forced To Work As Bailiff To Make Ends Meet

 

Afraid of losing it all, famed Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi has taken on the only job he could find, a courtroom bailiff.

On hiatus from his heavy metal duties, due to the bullshit lockdowns, Tony Iommi took a five week online course and became a court bailiff for the Ninth Judicial Circuit Court of Arizona.

“I was well aware that touring may be out of the question for a very long time, I sold my mansion for 4.3 million dollars a few years back but that money is all but gone. So, I decided to purchase a nostalgic aluminum Airstream Trailer that was parked roadside on Old Route 66 in Arizona. I picked up the trailer and the lot (tumbleweeds included) dirt cheap from a guy named Floyd.

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I’m not sure why but people are always pulling off the side of the highway and dumping trash right in my front yard. One man in a white van dumped a bundle of brand new nudie mags which I was thankful for, there isn’t much to do out here in the middle of nowhere. Naturally, I brought the magazines inside and started thumbing through. On the back insert, I always start nudie mags from the back don’t ask me why, I seen an advert THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES? BE THE ENVY OF THE TRAILER PARK, BECOME A ARIZONA COURTROOM BAILIFF. I graduated at the top of my class and I was hired right away.

“I get to wear a uniform and the ladies down here absolutely love a man in uniform. And the best part is, I sometimes get to beat the shit out of people. If any defendants happen get out of line, I throw them in a choke hold, its amazing! You don’t want to get all uppity in my court room. I’ll be your worst nightmare.” – Tony Iommi

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Desert life is good and my starting salary of $34K goes a long way out here. I picked up a 1989 Honda Civic for $150.00 and it has a CD player, it skips all the time. but it has a CD player. Sun on my face, upside down shopping cart bbq blazing, dual kiddy pools, doesn’t get any better!

Back in my heyday, it took at least a kilo of blow to bag a bird. Now I just buy a chic at the local dinner an order of hash browns and buttered toast and she’s mine.

“I don’t mind locals or fans passing by to dump a little trash but please, if the trailer is a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’!” – Tony Iommi

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Brian May & Tony Iommi Recording Together
Brian May & Tony Iommi Recording Together

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* Based on the satirical parody originally posted in Madhouse Magazine

   
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