Afraid of losing it all, famed Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi has taken on the only job he could find, a courtroom bailiff.
On hiatus from his heavy metal duties, due to the bullshit lockdowns, Tony Iommi took a five week online course and became a court bailiff for the Ninth Judicial Circuit Court of Arizona.
“I was well aware that touring may be out of the question for a very long time, I sold my mansion for 4.3 million dollars a few years back but that money is all but gone. So, I decided to purchase a nostalgic aluminum Airstream Trailer that was parked roadside on Old Route 66 in Arizona. I picked up the trailer and the lot (tumbleweeds included) dirt cheap from a guy named Floyd.
I’m not sure why but people are always pulling off the side of the highway and dumping trash right in my front yard. One man in a white van dumped a bundle of brand new nudie mags which I was thankful for, there isn’t much to do out here in the middle of nowhere. Naturally, I brought the magazines inside and started thumbing through. On the back insert, I always start nudie mags from the back don’t ask me why, I seen an advert THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES? BE THE ENVY OF THE TRAILER PARK, BECOME A ARIZONA COURTROOM BAILIFF. I graduated at the top of my class and I was hired right away.
“I get to wear a uniform and the ladies down here absolutely love a man in uniform. And the best part is, I sometimes get to beat the shit out of people. If any defendants happen get out of line, I throw them in a choke hold, its amazing! You don’t want to get all uppity in my court room. I’ll be your worst nightmare.” – Tony Iommi
Desert life is good and my starting salary of $34K goes a long way out here. I picked up a 1989 Honda Civic for $150.00 and it has a CD player, it skips all the time. but it has a CD player. Sun on my face, upside down shopping cart bbq blazing, dual kiddy pools, doesn’t get any better!
Back in my heyday, it took at least a kilo of blow to bag a bird. Now I just buy a chic at the local dinner an order of hash browns and buttered toast and she’s mine.
“I don’t mind locals or fans passing by to dump a little trash but please, if the trailer is a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’!” – Tony Iommi
Brian May & Tony Iommi Recording Together
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* Based on the satirical parody originally posted in Madhouse Magazine