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Lars Ulrich Sues 8th Grade Student Over Metallica Logo

CHIPPEWA FALLS, Wis. – A team of high-powered attorneys representing the interests of pioneering metal act Metallica filed the necessary paperwork late last week to sue a Wisconsin 8th grader over a hand-drawn version of their iconic logo on the front of his school notebook.

The case against 13-year-old William Yang was filed after the band discovered a photo containing their logo on the notebook in question when it appeared on Yang‘s Instagram account with the caption “No one listens to REAL music anymore #metallica #entersandman #boredatschool.”

“We’ve been keeping an eye on Mr. Yang for quite some time,” said Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich in prepared remarks. “He knows he looks like an innocent little kid and he seems to use that to his advantage. But this isn’t the first time he has infringed on Metallica’s intellectual property. Just last month he used some of our lyrics in an essay about Ernest Hemingway. This shows a pattern of blatant plagiarism and disrespect for U.S. copyright law, and we will seek damages.”

The mother of the defendant: Donna Yang, claimed she had often warned her son about the dangers of becoming a Metallica fan.

“We thought we did everything right. We only bought overpriced merchandise from Metallica’s official web shop for Willy; we would never buy their albums from independent record stores because we feared they were bootlegged,” said Ms. Yang from her home office. “I had the gut feeling they would sue us eventually … I just didn’t know when.”

Metallica bassist Rob Trujillo defended the band’s lawsuit after he witnessed a similar situation while touring with Ozzy in the early 00’s. “I’d see this kind of stuff happen with “Oz” all the time,” said Trujillo. “It starts with one notebook, and soon enough, kids are drawing these logos on everything they own. It’s a slippery slope and hell, before you know it, there’s no more Ozzfest!

Trujillo added, “This is a business, and it is about time these middle school kids learn that mindless doodling has severe consequences.”

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Twitter has all but been on fire, with critics flooding to the social media platform to voice their disapproval. Members of Metallica are firing back Tweets to some fans, arguing that the logo lawsuit was a legitimate way of protecting their brand.

“The name ‘Metallica’ has been something the band and I have been very proud of, and that pride stems all the way back to when I first stole the idea from my friend Ron in ’81.” – Ulrich Tweeted.

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Based On The JJ Handbag Parody Originally Posted On: The Hard Times
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